An Ode To My Roadster

Amongst the fiercest of conditions, the cold, the heat and the storm, stands my damsel

waiting to be cranked and brought back to life.

Ready for another day of mundane movement, from one garage to another

Only to be left alone for the rest of the day.

If only she had a life, if only could she speak, if only could she hear,

I wonder not what she would say but what she would feel.

For, if a creature is maneuvered as much as she is, if a creature can thrive like how she does,

her soul would depart in a wink.

I dare not ever vent my vexation on her, for, if only she had a life, if only she perceives my petulance,

she would lose her spirits in a jiffy.

In case that she is endowed with a vibrant, zesty soul, yet surrenders it owing to my laxity

she would still act not with revenge, but with requital.

Amongst the fiercest of conditions, the cold, the heat and the storm, stands my damsel

waiting to be cranked and brought back to life.

Mathematical Psychology

It all started with a boring day at work, I was doing some differentiation of a time history data which some tractor collected in some corner of the world. Something bizarre struck me, I was tempted to leave it aside and continue with my work but I dint want to miss an opportunity to derive an obscure thing mathematically, So I indulged in it.

So here is a guy or a girl – Y who tends to infinitesimally change with his/her partner’s  (X’s)  interests though he/she doesn’t have a great affinity for it.

Y =  dY/dX

dY/Y = dX

Integrating on both sides,

Log Y = X + C

Y = e^(X+C)

Y = e^C * e^X

Y = C * e^X (e^C = C)

Essentially, Y = e^X

If we quantify the interest of X as a whole number, then the interest of Y increases exponentially!

Theorem - A person who starts to change infinitesimally according to his/her partner’s likings is bound to suffer greatly!

Imagine a person who hates Himesh, starts liking his songs just for the sake of his/her partner is bound to suffer the aftermath exponentially till the relationship exists. This is true with anything else, like TV shows, music, trekking, food, movies, type of coffee, choice of shoes, friends etc.

Finally, this will lead to an end of the relationship, as the suffering cannot go on forever. So, Instead of changing infinitesimally try to be assertive; you might not only save yourself from humungous torments but also have a peaceful life.

You might not believe this, but who believed in Einstein’s theories  before it was in equations?

Only 1411 left – A Freaky Idea..

By now almost everyone reading this post must have guessed what I am alluding to. But if your mind is a little pervert and if you have the capability of thinking laterally across the globe, you would have related this topic to something else fascinating. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot do anything about the extinction of tigers, except that started using paper sparingly to protect their habitat. Other than that nothing i can think of.

Lets say this post is for the ‘SAVE TIGER CAMPAIGN’ (Err.. Which tiger??).. Let’s brainstorm the possible reasons why tigers (both) need to be saved, one from extinction and  the other from erotomania. Lets call the animal tiger as Bengal Tiger and the golfing tiger as US Tiger. I intend to offer a two in one solution. I mean in one stone, two mangoes.

Bengal Tiger is our national animal. Undoubtedly, we can’t change our national animal when they are extinct. I don’t exactly know the procedure but what i know is it’s a long process. A bill will be passed in the assembly, may be to change it to an elephant or crow and our opposition will come up with logical reasons why it can’t be a crow or an elephant and demand for Buffalo as our national animal. And finally there will be supreme court ruling saying the national animal should not be any of the animals in the flag of a political party.

If we consider the other option, i.e. not changing our national animal, the fallout is even disastrous. Imagine 20 years hence, when our children at around 13-15 years of age, Its when they are at their heights; start arguing with us why they have to live in a nation whose national animal is extinct! Leave them alone, how would you have felt if your mom had told you Dino was our national animal? Then Jurassic Park would be our national movie. So its almost an issue of national importance for us Indians to protect our Bengal Tiger.

US Tiger is an international sporting icon. He is considered to be a legend, in whatever he does. He has won 14 major championships. Incidentally, If you ask wiki answers, How many affairs did Tiger Woods have? – It says 14 and more. He has been a role model for thousands of his fans, children look up to him, grow up seeing him. If his fans start living Tiger Woods’ life in the ratio of  1:14, then soon the others in US of A will end up like those who contend with him in golf. So again, its an issue of national importance for the US to protect their US Tiger.

So the goal is clear, to protect the tigers. Now, how do we do it! Actually there is a very very trivial solution to this. It is so trivial yet so effective that the world leaders would even felicitate me for this novel idea. I might even get a Nobel prize in physiology. In the likes of 123 Indo-US Nuke deal, we can sign 1411 Indo-US Tige deal.

Here it goes.. Gather all the 1411 Tigers in an auditorium and request Tiger Woods to give a lecture.

This would solve both problems, Our Bengal Tiger would start reproducing in large numbers and Tiger Woods would become a global hero for saving the tigers from extinction.  He can start endorsing Accenture again – High production – Delivered and  Gillette – The best a tiger can get!  This  is the only way we can avoid the embarrassment of explaining to our children about tigers – Showing them a cat, asking them to imagine an animal a zillion times more ferocious.

'Con' stitu 'shun' & pre 'amble'

Is our constitution an institute for 'cons' or constitutes 'shuns'? Why should our Preamble have the word amble in it. Does our grand judicial system make judicial use of our money?


Its painful to hear from some highly literate people in the country that, we made our country corrupt. And thats because this is a democracy and we elect our leaders. The ruling party blames the opposition and the opposition blames the ruling for some major issues of national importance and a leader from a third party stands up and politely says "lets not play anymore blame games". Intended meaning "Lets subtly push the blame on the irresponsible citizens" We as responsible citizens should elect the right representatives who will take our country in the right path! Yeah right! Dont blame us. We are busy choosing one of the three parties that has made less money in the last two decades. And each of us have our own priority of burning issues – For some price rise is more important than cease-fire and for others, nuke deal is more important than a terrorist attack. If some pragmatic party offers all of this let us know, If not, give us a break.

In our country the only organization which is more powerful than the prime minister’s office is our press. Even though the word press has evolved from the act of printing, I often relate it to issues which need immediate attention (pressing issues). On a sober evening, I go home and I feel all patriotic and turn on the news channel to see what is the pressing issue today. I see Aamir khan working out. I re-check if it’s a news channel curse it and go to the next one. All of a sudden I hear 7 people shouting at each other on top of the voices, including the anchor trying to make the same point against one person. I have already started feeling the patriotic levels in my blood dipping steadily in the last 30 secs and switch to the next channel. The next channel always, I stress, always shows Indian of the year, 24X7 through out the year. I quietly change to MTV and settle for reality shows. On a Friday, Isnt there anything else happening in the whole country except the release of an Indian movie? Saturday, incase we missed the Friday show on the news channel – it’s a repeat telecast. Thanks to the freedom of press!

If you ask me why I am grumbling about all this, if I have an alternate plan, if I am bored at office – the answer is NO. Alternate plan is not my job. That’s why we have elected 800 odd people at the centre. Please don't shun your primary job responsibility. All I can do is ask my leaders for a safe tomorrow as I have a project to finish, to expedite our judicial system so that the convict’s grandson will not be punished for his grandfather's mistake, lessen corruption as we do require bridges and roads to avoid traffic jams and dams for water all round the year, freeze the prices of essential commodities today; as 2 years hence we would still like to add sugar in our tea. I am really ashamed to have written the first paragraph playing with three words i have adored all my life, but I guess it shows how intense my feelings for my country are.

Jai Hind!

To hell with the "AAL IZZ WELL" syndrome

Firstly, thank god! the movie was not released a few years back hundreds have escaped near death experiences, and god only knows what will happen in the future because of these 3 words. This post is purely cynical and over exaggerated but the motive remains as to hell with "aal izz well"


Scene 1 - On MG Road of any city <movie playing at 1/2 X speed>


A happy man crossing the road with an adidas cover in one hand and an unpacked mac book pro in another, sees towards his left and proceeds. Half way down the road, sees his right and a speeding truck braking from 60kmph just 10 mtrs away. I cudn believe my eyes, he threw the mac book down calmly to clear his right hand, closed his eyes and tapped his right hand in his left chest and murmurs "aal izz well aal izz well" in the exact accent in the movie. Sorry buddy. goodnight RIP. Net losses mastercard way, mac book pro ~ Rs 60000 adidas goods ~ Rs 5000, LIFE ~ PRICELESS!! Grow up loser!


Scene 2 - A couple @ barista sitting opposite to each other, looking at the ground, silent for 20 mins.
    
Girl : I ve been wanting to tell you something for a long time, don't know how to start.
Dude : (Still looking at the ground.. changes his posture to placing his face on his hand and continuing to look at the ground..)
Girl : Atleast look at me while i am talking!
Dude : (no change)
Girl :  This has been a very important decision in my life, and it was one of the hardest. But i have to do it today. 
Dude : (inert)
Girl :  I am breaking up with you.
Meanwhile, she hears some murmurs from somewhere getting louder every second
Girl : (She turns back just to realise that they were the only ones in the coffee shop) Is that you?
Murmurs getting louder "aal izz well aal izz well"
Dude : (releases his locked right hand, raises his face, eyes still closed, pats on his chest) aal izz well aal izz well (continuously until the girl walks out of sight)


(Rewinding 10 mins, camera moves under the table.. Right from the first dialogue, our hero murmuring "aal izz well")


In scene 1, the guy would never ever listen to the song "aal izz well" in his life again and in scene 2 our dude might end up being single all his life.


    What went wrong? It's just that "aal izz well" in those situations were purely artificial. When u have problems, do what comes naturally to you and all would turn out to be well. For all we know the guy on the road might have had good reflexes which would have saved him from the accident. And for all we know, our dude could have been a Casanova! and these 3 words made him a cry baby!


    If "aal izz well" comes naturally to you go ahead! If it doesn't "something's terribly wrong" would work better! The reason is logical, If you tell yourself all is well you don't find solutions to your problems but if you say something is wrong, you will find solutions which will ultimately solve your problem.


FINAL WORDS - To hell with aal izz well syndrome!

A for Advertisements..

Saif, kareena, AR Rahman, Zaheer khan, gauti, SRK... what is common between all six of them? now its easy, but had i asked the same question 10 years before i would have been branded a lunatic. Such is the power of advertisements in our country.

Six celebs in one ad, can anyone miss the brand? Why should it be celebs? Dint mascots do the trick for vodafone during the IPL? But, yet there are a lot of ads which still gets the channel changed inspite of 20 celebs on-screen at a time. So whats driving this new sector? The answer is just one word - innovation.

A few Ads which comes up when I type "innovative ads" in my mind - motorola (I think!) where the woman in a restaurant seems to be talking to a guy with her hand in her cheeks (But is actually talking over the phone), when that guy comes near her and smiles at her she says "One black coffee please." The reaction in the man's face is priceless. A series of fevicol ads, Egg doesn't break as it was in a fevicol container and hundreds of people sticking to a bus which has the poster of fevicol and the classic ad of fevi-quick - A man unlucky with fishing for hours and some loony pantaloon sings and uses fevi - quick to catch five of them instantly.

Why do we remember certain ads just a handful of them, while the others fade away in time? What makes these ads different from the others? Reasons obvious, they were funny and had a suspense element attached to them.

One more classic Ad which most of you might not have seen, not more than a few hundred rupees would have been spent on that but still was as effective as a 1 crore budget ad. Here it goes - "Do you know why companies make advertisements? Its because you can go to your kitchen open an ACT II popcorn packet put it into your microwave, so that you don't miss your favorite programme in tv and your popcorn is ready in the next ad break."

Apart from all these classics there are also the mediocre ones, which I wonder why they are made. They are so monotonous that your fingers automatically moves towards the mute button in the remote and if the images are disturbing even the power off button!! I really get upset watching such ads. They spoil my day! The first thing i see when i switch on my tv after a long day at work - (A cricket shot is played) Mak makes it possible and to add to my disappointment it repeats itself - (A cricket shot is played) Mak makes it possible. And then (A bowler takes a wicket) Mak makes it possible to repeat (A bowler takes a wicket) Mak makes it possible. I just switch off my tv and go to sleep.

I really don't understand why a few things are displayed or played in an advertisement when its either unnoticeably small or the audio is too fast for even Shakespeare to comprehend what actually is being said. An eg of such a text is found in a few bike ads -'Do not attempt this at home, the stunts are performed by trained professionals.' An eg of the audio is in ads for investment banks - (Investments are subjected to market risks... bla bla blu blu la la loo loo if u are a test cricketer don't invest in our bank) at 8X fast fwd.. I am often confused, why!! Should i not listen to this? Is that why they are playing it at 8X? should i not see it? Is that why they display the text at 0.8 size font? Its high time they learn that audience are not fools. Infact, if the text was displayed in normal font or the audio was played in normal speed we might miss it, but not now. We record the ad, slow it down read it fully before we decide if we have to make an investment in that bank.

In a nut shell, as a viewer my expectations have become very high after seeing some mind blowing ads from vodafone, fevikol, Tata DOCOMO ("shrtr s smrtr" WOW!! they ve cut short all the vowels in the sentence) , intel, fiat linea to name a few and terribly upset with a lot of mediocre ones. If ever I make an Ad sometime in my life, I ll make sure that first I am satisfied, and not stop there, travel to atleast four places in India, conduct surveys from various age groups and then make atleast a dozen changes to it and then another dozen changes before I let them screen it. 'After all Itz one in a million and Itz worth it - Sonam kapoor style'

A walk to remember

This part of my life is called walking.
Legs, meticulously keeping up the panting pace;
Hands, occasionally brushing my heroic hair;
Eyes, nonchalantly working on some beautiful birds;
Ears, deeply engaged in teasing tunes;
Lips, stubbornly uttering the lustful lyrics;
Nose, intently sniffing the fragrance of fresh flowers;
Heart, magnanimously feeling for the special someone.
This part of my life is called walking.